Tag Archives: humor

I Spy NYC Eats Spam For Breakfast

Although this site doesn’t generate very much traffic (what website needs traffic to be successful anyway?) it does generate a fair amount of comment spam. So, instead of hitting the delete button as I always do I thought I’d share some of the more interesting recent spam comments.  Keep in mind, this is a blog about my photos and findings in New York City.

This one came in from “freeshipping 2011 cheapest DV136” following a post about a solar panel I found in the Hudson River:

“I love the jeans at the first glance but I feel hesitate because of the price, but when I put them on, I was shocked at how perfect they fit!”

Thanks for sharing, DV136. I’m shocked too.  And you really do look good!

Next up is a gem from “Sac Hermes” after a post on eating lunch outside in the West Village :

“I like the way in which you could have frameworked the following matter and yes it does offer my family several fodder to get thought. Nonetheless, via precisely what Concerning observed, My spouse and i hope because actual views group about that people these days remain place and you should not begin a new cleaning soap container affecting several other announcement of the day. Still, appreciate this glorious position even though I won’t actually agree with the fact by using it within totality, We respect the thoughts and opinions.”

Sac, you nailed it. So many people clean their soap containers only to affect the announcements they want to make later that day. What are they thinking?  I, for one, do not respect their thoughts and opinions. You’re much more empathetic than me. And I respect your thoughts and opinions for that. Thanks for contributing and I’m glad my little blog provides your “family several fodder to get thought.”  Diito here.

Lastly, MonsterBeatsDre said following my post about paint spilled on 20th street: “Superior posting. Is extremely excellent point of view and so i want to we appreciate you intriguing, notable and ideas. Thank you so much!”

No, I “want to we appreciate you” too, MonsterBeatsDre!  Your superior spamming and exellent mastery of language has inspired me to write this post. And I’m spent.

Maybe this will become a usual feature, I just need enough traffic to keep attracting the spammers. And the world goes round and round.

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Weird Gristedes Sign

I walked into Gristedes to find this sign on the door and then again inside near the stacks of baskets. Although the phrase is virtually owned by Seth Myers and Amy Poehler, “Really, Gristedes?” How many ways can you apologize for a typographical error by replacing it with a grammattical one? Were masses of peach and strawberry loving customers complaining about the sign? How bad is the error? “Three strawberries for $wehatepuppies”?

Idea: just change the original peaches and strawberries sign. We wouldn’t have known.

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An Open Letter to the Guy Who Brought an iPad into McSorely’s Old Ale House, NYC

Dear guy who brought the iPad into McSorely’s,

This may come as a shock, because you didn’t take your eyes off of the ultra-high resolution screen in front of your face, but McSorely’s is a traditional place. I think the wrinkled and chipped photo of the “McSorely Nine” baseball team, all with mustaches that would make any Williamsburgian hipster tear up with pride should have tipped you off. If that didn’t do it, then perhaps Houdini’s handcuffs, the saw dust on the floor or dust-laden chandelier would have done it. Actually, you should watch the iPad around all that dust — can’t be good for it.

I understand how proud you must feel to show off your new iPad to your friends. If I had one I’m sure I’d want to let them feel how thin it is, slide their fingers across the touch screen and then snatch it back with a smirk and say, “Get your own.”  

But not in McSorely’s, man.

Have a brew.  Talk it out.  Check out one of the few women who are brave enough (and awesome enough) to walk through it’s iron grate doors. 

McSorely’s is one of those rare spots with the power to transport you to another time, another state of mind.  How many places in America have both Abe Lincoln and John Lennon, and a myriad of other notables, downed a pint in?  It’s a special escape.  That’s why you go there.  It’s certainly not for the food or the amazing array of beers (McSorely’s Light or McSorely’s Dark).  But you have to let it do it’s magic and embrace it for what it is.  Abe would have left the iPad in his cabin.  And, if he wouldn’t have brought his iPad, then, my friend, I believe your unconscionable act spits in the face of presidents.  It defies the constitution.  And is as unAmerican as french, I mean freedom fries (which McSorely’s doesn’t serve), tango (which McSorely’s thinks is a Sylvester Stallone character from the late 80’s), and falafel (which you can get down the street and is actually quite tasty).

Next time, think before you bring your iPad into historic bars.  Abraham Lincoln would have wanted it that way. And John Lennon too.  Don’t tell me you don’t like the Beatles now, too? 

See you at the bar.

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Why I Don’t Have a Car In New York City…

Taken on Washington Street in the West Village.

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The Woman Who Talks to Pigeons

I was walking through Father Demo Square in the New York City’s West Village when a woman in a thick blue jacket began to throw bird seed on the ground from a plastic bag she held at her hip. Instantly, she was surrounded by pigeons, diving this way and that, swooping in for whatever scraps they could pick at.  She must have dropped eight or ten handfuls of the stuff, because soon she was once around the water fountain and pigeons filled the square.

As always, I had my camera with me so, like the birds, I swooped in. After snapping off only a few photos I heard someone behind me clapping and shouting “Fly home! Fly home!”  I turned around to see the woman who had just fed them staring at me with a concerned look on her face.  I smiled back.

“They don’t understand,” she said.  “They think that you’re trying to feed them, not take pictures.  And they need to go home.”

So, apparently, pigeons don’t understand the difference between feeding them and taking pictures, but they do understand the words “fly home.”  Thanks for the reality check, Dr. Dolittle.  Why don’t you tell them to stop pooping on statues or help fix the MTA’s budget deficit. Use those powers of pigeon communication for good, not the mundane.  And while I apologize for confusing the pigeons maybe you should just fly home too.

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NYC Snowstorm Reeks Havoc on Stretch Hummer Limos

“It’s an utter disgrace,” said Tommy Perlman, a New Yorker whose stretch Hummer limo was forced to park 8 inches from the curb at Rolf’s Bar and Restaurant on Sunday.  “And I don’t mean ‘utter’ like a cow’s udders. I mean it’s like a big disgrace.  A big, utter disgrace,” Perlman continued.

Snow was clearly visible on Perlman’s man Uggs as he slammed the limo’s door and opened a cooler full of Miller High Life.

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No, HDNet, I still don’t know this guy.

Advertising in New York City is out of control. It’s like you have to get beaten over the head for it to sink in. Well, apparently this guy beats people over the head for a living, I just don’t know who he is. And I don’t think I want to.

MMA ads for HDNet.

MMA ads for HDNet.

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A Cautionary Sign in the West Village

Basically, don't come in here. Only your ribs are safe.

Basically, don't come in here. Only your ribs are safe.

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Direction

Two roads diverged in a city and I — I called for a cab. ~ Marc Cappelletti

Christopher Street

Christopher Street

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Worst Make-out Spot in New York City

If you can make out here, you can make out anywhere!  Yes, just south of Central Park I spied this couple making out while a costumed Batman and Superman (I guess they’re always costumed) pirouetted and sashayed in front of the Plaza Hotel on 5th Avenue. They flapped their arms and pranced and leaped around the couple Swan Lake style. A true image of beauty.

Holy Make-Out Batman!

Holy Make-Out Batman!

Isn't it romantic...?

Isn't it romantic...?

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Call Crazy New York City Landlord!

If you’re looking to open a store in New York City somewhere near Third Street and Second Avenue you might want to call this number. Or maybe not.

Do you really want to call?

Do you really want to call?

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Ticketmaster Security Phrases = Hipster Band Name Generator

Massive additional charges, long waits and incurably frustrating customer service.

Now, Ticketmaster can be known for something different — potential band name generation.  To block spammers from screwing with their system Ticketmaster, like many other websites, has instituted a phrase box. Squiggly words pop up and you have to type them in to prove you’re a unique user and not an algorithmic spammer.

As I tried to purchase Bruce Springsteen at Giants Stadium tickets today I noticed that my security phrase had a ring to it. 1,000 Grasps. Kind of catchy, right? — a name for a band you’d expect to find playing at 1 am at an East Village underground bar. Something edgy. Something inspirational. Lots of bass.

The online wait for tickets said 15 minutes, so I clicked off and tried again. (This is NOT the recommended way to use Ticketmaster online). In my following attempts to buy tickets I was greeted with such gems as Wrote Patton, Rashers Current, Loving Cherubic and Months Pi.

My favorite, Mongers Aria, I imagined as a group of cheese and fish vendors inspired by Andrea Boccelli.  Party’s Clerks would be a simple but energetic band — three chords, a bouncy stage show, thin ties and under-sized blazers. Then there was Yuletide Law, presumably on the bill to represent the seasonal rock crowd. The last phrase/hipster band name to pop up before I realized I was waisting my lunch (and my life) away was Call Crete, a band I’m sure will soon dominate the Greek college scene.

Thank you Ticketmaster. I don’t have my Springsteen tickets, but if I ever form a hipster band I know where to go for our name.

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West Side Supermarket Speaks With Sushi

D’agostino Supermarket at 666 Greenwich St.in New York City’s West Village displays a robust assortment of prepackaged and deli-style goods. Their staff is as friendly as it gets, always speaking to me about new specials, the day’s weather and one worker’s obsession with CSI and David Carouso.  “Ooooh boy!” she says. “Dat David Carooooso eez faeeyn!”

But the past two days I noticed that the staff of D’agostino was speaking to me not only about their products but through their products — sushi in particular.

Good Luck sushi!

Good Luck sushi!

Monday’s sushi message was “Nice week.”  Today’s, as you can see, is “Good luck.”  Subtle niceties like these from the D’agostino staff, particularly the tiny Asian woman who hand rolls the sushi everyday, are more than welcome.  They remind me that sometimes, with all the stress of this world, we just have to stop what we’re doing, take a breath, look to our food, and read the messages written in spicy sauce. 

What’s next in the sushi wheel of fortune? What other 8-letter combinations can I expect?  Maybe tomorrow’s will say I love you. Perhaps Friday’s will say Party on!, including the exclamaition point.  What if she starts dropping me hints?  Wet floor.  And God forbid I buy my spicy tuna six pack only to see Dog meats written on top. What happens then?

If anyone has comments on this or has seen messages written in food in other locations throughout the city let me know, I’ll check it out or add it as a post.  And in the words of yesterday’s Spicy Tuna Roll, have a “Nice week.”

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“Rain Must Stop,” Says New York Flowers

Hanging their heads in utter defeat, even New York City’s striking spring flowers (like these seen at 21st and Park Ave.) have succumed to the persistent onslaught of dampness, darkness and downpours. 

Enough rain already!

Enough rain already!

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